Surprise, bitches! I’m back!
[PAUSE FOR STANDING OVATION] [PAUSE FOR HYSTERICAL TEARS OF JOY] [PAUSE FOR WOMEN THROWING PANTIES ON STAGE]
Thank you, thank you…that’s very kind of you. Please be seated. Thank you.
Now I know what you’re probably thinking:
Is this for real? Has the world’s greatest SEO really returned?
Well, the good news is…I’m really back!
The bad news is…I only came back to tell you I’m leaving and never coming back.
[PAUSE FOR HYSTERICAL TEARS OF HEARTBREAK] [PAUSE FOR SELF-INFLICTED GUNSHOT WOUNDS]
Truth is I haven’t been professionally involved with SEO for several years now. I’ve only been keeping this site up as a courtesy to all those lesser SEOs who needed a source of inspiration–a reminder that with a strong work ethic, an exceptionally high IQ, and a complete lack of respect for one’s own industry…anything is possible.
To be honest, I didn’t think I’d ever update this site again. I was happy to cast it in carbonite and let everyone stare at its frozen perfection for eternity. But then I got an email out of the blue, offering to buy the domain. Sure, I’ve had offers before: $20 thousand here, $12 million there, whatever. But this offer was different somehow. Was it the buyers’ attitude? Was it their stated intention to update my snippet optimization tool and restore its former glory? Or was it my negative bank account balance and a desire to upgrade the tent that I live in? It’s hard to say. Whatever the reasons, I accepted the offer, and I have officially transferred the domain and content to the new owners.
The big question now is: who are these new owners? More importantly, are they actually qualified to take over this website? The World’s Greatest SEO crown is indeed heavy–can their spines even handle that much pressure?
Frankly, I don’t know. I mean, on the one hand, their snippet tool is clearly superior to mine and I haven’t noticed any obvious fuck-ups during the transition from a static site back to a WordPress-based site. (As I’m writing this, I’m actually using WordPress for the first time in like 6 years, and it absolutely blows my mind what a piece of shit this CMS still is. Honestly…WOW.) So these guys are at least technically competent. On the other hand, they haven’t once called me a bitch. So…the jury’s still out. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
For now, I must bid you farewell. It has been an honor and a pleasure, and I leave with no regrets.
Actually, I take that back. I regret that I never finished my SEO rap song. It was called “Baby Got Backlinks” and the first line was “I like Matt Cutts and I cannot lie.” That would’ve been sick. So…just the one regret then. Still, not bad.
Anyway, I’m outta here. You’ll probably never hear from me again. Unless of course my new tent wears out.